Stumped
by thedarkpoet
Summary: Artemis Fowl the Second is alone on the Fowl Estate. How will he survive?
1. Chapter 1

Artemis studied the problem in front of him with his usual attention to detail

Artemis studied the problem in front of him with his usual attention to detail. Though he would not let it show on his face, this was surely one of the most difficult, complex dilemmas he'd ever been faced with. He didn't intend to let this overcome him, of course. He _would_ come up with a solution. He always did.

A frown (which looked very at home there) appeared on Artemis' face. His mind was wandering. That had been becoming increasingly frequent these days. That would need to stop if any of his plans were to succeed.

But back to the problem at hand. Artemis turned his gaze downward.

And there it was-a slightly damp, and most definitely rumpled white shirt.

Artemis' frown deepened, creating a slash between his eyebrows. He saw this kind of thing every day, but this was one instance where his mind couldn't provide a solution. Hesitantly, he picked up a sleeve, but then let it drop. Butler's parting words echoed in his head.

_I haven't had a vacation since the day you were born, Artemis. It's just for a few days. You can take care of yourself for that long, surely?_

Artemis now understood the joking tone behind the words. Not only was Butler gone, but his parents and the twins had left a week previous to Disneyland Paris. He was alone in Fowl Manor.

From a security point of view, it was quite safe. All of the Fowl enterprises were now aboveboard, but that did not deter the many thieves who had their eyes on the unimaginable wealth the robbery of Fowl Manor could bring. Butler had contacted some old friends who had been glad to do some guard work at the doors and were willing to be on-call for a possible break-in. Artemis wasn't overly concerned. He was fairly sure that the only beings who could get past _his_ advanced security system would not be human, though they would hopefully be friends.

His mind was wandering again. Artemis couldn't believe this. He was definitely going soft, if he couldn't keep his mind on a problem for such a paltry amount of time.

He directed his deep blue eyes toward the shirt in front of him. If Holly Short, his elfin friend, could see him now, she would never let him hear the end of it.

Artemis Fowl, child prodigy and plotter of evil schemes was completely unable to fold a shirt.

He had managed the washing machine alright, that had been simplicity in itself. The machine did all the work. It was top of the line, and the most eco-friendly on the market. It could analyze the clothes put into it, and then would calculate exactly how much soap was needed, then would draw that amount from the soap it had in storage. It would perform similar calculations for water, insuring that there was no waste at all. All Artemis had to do was put the load in. The problem was the actual folding. It was mysterious process. Artemis had already tried several times, to no avail. Each attempt had warranted a strange knot of cloth, that Artemis knew was definitely not how a folded shirt was supposed to look.

After several more moments of thought, Artemis decided to abandon his shirt-folding dilemma, and move onto areas of more pressing importance.

His stomach had been complaining at him for the last few hours. Artemis Fowl the Second was not used to be hungry, and he found he did not care for the sensation. Artemis left the laundry room and quested out into the hallway.

Artemis had memorized the blueprints to the Manor at the age of six, an exercise his father had insisted on. But while blue prints were all very well in your head, in the actual place, it's a bit more difficult to navigate. Artemis had been to the kitchens before, of course, but finding his way there from the laundry room (which he did not frequent) was going to be a challenge. Artemis mentally reviewed the blueprints in his head, then walked stiffly down the dark hallway. Five minutes and a few wrong turns later, he found himself in the first of the Manor's extensive kitchens.

Now, what to eat?

Artemis was a fan of fresh salads, and decided to make an attempt at preparing one. It seemed about the easiest thing he could try. Maybe afterward, he'd locate some caviar and snack in front of the TV. Immediately, Artemis banished the possibility from his mind. Listen to him. Snacking? Next thing you knew, he'd be smoking illegal cigarettes and trying to- to skateboard.

Artemis shuddered slightly, then selected a sharp a knife from the cutlery drawer. Butler was apt to use swords and flamethrowers in his cooking, Artemis was willing to take his chances with a butter knife and an oven. Or maybe just a microwave.

Leaving the knife on the marble countertop, Artemis cast his eyes about the room. Where would one put lettuce? He wondered, examining the wooden drawers as if to X-ray them, while dredging up everything he knew about lettuce.

Lettuce was a vegetable, and therefore prey to winged pests, not to mention fungi. The fridge then. Artemis turned to the massive stainless steel appliance. The door slid open easily, blasting Artemis with cold air. He examined the shelves closely each one was labeled, and all the labels looked new.

Artemis grimaced. Butler had anticipated him. He glanced down, locating three shelves labeled _vegetables_. Searching all of them, he found several heads of lettuce. They had all been grown on the Manor grounds, he knew. Angeline Fowl, Artemis' mother, had forbidden the purchase of supermarket lettuce when she discovered that it was cleansed in chlorine.

Trying to keep his enormous brain from spouting off in all directions, Artemis rolled the smallest head from the inside the fridge onto the central island. He examined it for a few moments, then pulled a few leaves off. That was what he was supposed to do, right?

Now what?

Artemis rarely came across things he was not certain of. Generally, the only time he was put into that situation was when spending time in the company of either of his female friends, Holly or Minerva. One could never be certain with girls.

In this case, however, he could employ his usual strategy- find out more information. He picked up a slick silver remote from the counter and pressed the power button for the kitchen television. Flicking swiftly through the cable TV guide, he selected a cooking show.

½ an hour and one boring cooking show later, Artemis had realized that in general, these cooking shows did not stoop so low as to show a person how to make a simple garden salad. He was stumped. He couldn't ask Butler for help, that was for sure. The big man had been developing a sense of humor recently, and he didn't think he could stand the child genii jokes the bodyguard wouldn't hesitate to share if he discovered Artemis couldn't make a salad. Artemis was cornered, and he knew it.

He picked up the kitchen phone and dialed a number.

He was met with a busy line signal. With a sigh, he replaced the phone in its cradle, and waited two minutes and twenty-seven seconds, the length of time taken for the average phonecall. Not compensating for gossiping teenage girls.

Artemis redialed. After five rings, someone picked up.

"JADE PRINCESS'S LINE!" Someone screeched with a heavy Mexican accent. The reason for the screeching was immediately obvious. There seemed to be quite a lot of yelling in the backround.

"I am quite aware of that sir. That was the person I was aiming to reach when I dialed the number. I take it you are not she." Artemis didn't have to be a genius to realize that.

"EH? SPEAK UP, SONNY!" Sonny? Artemis tried to hard to control his tone.

"I wish to speak with the Jade Princess."

"WHAT?" the person on the other end of the line hollered.

"I. Want. To. Speak. With. The. Jade. Princess." Artemis had never raised his voice in his life, and didn't intend to start now.

"OH! SHE'S IN THE RING! SHE'LL CALL YOU IN A MINUTE!" There was an audible click, in spite of the backround noise, and Artemis was left staring at the handset with an expression of loathing on his face.

He had a bad feeling about this week.


	2. Chapter 2

The Jade Princess, as it so happened, was in the ring

The Jade Princess, as it so happened, _was_ in the ring. Being pinned down by her opponent, the Warrior, actually. Not exactly the way she'd planned this evening.

If everything had gone as planned, she'd would've kicked this guy's butt and already be having another drink at the bar. There had been a few slight hitches.

The Jade Princess did have one distinct advantage in the ring, however. Her opponents (usually large, sweaty men) tended to underestimate her. With her shiny blond hair and sparkling green eye shadow, it was easy to believe that she couldn't do serious harm.

With an annoyed grunt, the Jade Princess began shifting her body weight. One side, then the other. Her attacker was only using his arms to pin her down, for Christ's sake. This should be easy. The Warrior looked down at her.

"Hey, what are you-" His question was cut off by Jade Princess's fist connecting rather forcibly with his nose. The Warrior wasn't a wrestler for nothing, but a sudden explosion of blood on your face is enough to distract anyone. The Jade Princess used his moment of confusion to pummel in the stomach with her knees. Then, bracing herself against the taut mats, she whacked the Warrior's arms out from underneath him, simultaneously sliding backwards. Two hundred pounds of well-trained wrestler hit the mats with a thud. The Jade Princess hopped to her feet. It was doubtfully the Warrior would stay down for long.

True to her expectations, he levered himself to his feet after a count of six, blood streaming down his face. The Jade Princess smiled. Time for her finishing move.

Executing a twirl that would put a ballerina to shame, the Jade Princess neared her opponent, her long braid spinning with her. On the end of this braid was a thick ring, inset with all kinds of glittery green stones. It hit the Warrior square in the forehead. The huge man crumpled to the ground.

"ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT! NINE!...TEN!"

With a satisfied grin, the Jade Princess stepped off the mats. Immediately, a short man with deeply tanned skin extricated himself from the crowd.

"Call for you while you were in the ring," he said, in accented English. The Jade Princess nodded, but ignored the cell phone in his outstretched hand.

"I'll call back in a minute," she said decisively. "Right now, I just want a drink."

This wasn't entirely true, but the Jade Princess, otherwise known as Juliet Butler, wanted some time to mull over her victory.

You see, ever since Juliet had left her life in training to become a bodyguard, her greatest aim was to become the world's best female wrestler- hands down. And after four years of work and training, Juliet cracked the big time. Her face- well an overly made-up version of her face- was on television screens across America. Her wrestling matches were broadcasted live as she took down wrestler after wrestler.

**But her victory was short-lived. She was famous, but Juliet was also quite bored. So much of her onscreen fights was staged, and barely anyone got actually hurt anymore. Juliet felt that it wasn't really a fight unless someone got hurt. She needed the action.**

**This was why Juliet Butler, one-time protector of Artemis Fowl and almost graduate of Madame Ko's bodyguard academy, found herself in a dingy bars all through America, wrestling for real. **

**She hadn't had this much fun in months.**

**But back to the present, she chided herself. No wonder she hadn't graduated from Madame Ko's Academy. And though it had been four years, ****_that_**** thought still rankled. With a sigh, she beckoned the bartender over. He didn't even ask, simply slapping a beer in front of her and holding his hand out for the money. She gave it to him, took a sip of her beer, and turned to her Mexican assistant.**

**"You said there was a call?"**

**In Fowl Manor, the phone rang.**

**Artemis, who to his eternal shame was searching salad recipes on the internet, jumped to answer it.**

"Hello?" he asked. Really, there were only five people in the world who had this number, so he shouldn't have to ask. But there was always the horrifying prospect that his parents might come home early.

"Arty? Is that you?" Juliet wasn't yelling, but her voice was still plenty loud enough to pierce Artemis' eardrums.

"Of course it's me. Who else would pick up the phone?" Even though he knew she couldn't see him, Artemis raised an eyebrow. "You are losing your touch, Miss Butler."

In a somewhat less than clean bar in Chicago state, Juliet grinned. It was him alright.

"Hang on, Arty. I'm going to try to get out of this noise" On the other side of the world, Artemis tapped his fingers impatiently. He waited for perhaps half a second before continuing.

"Doubtless, you are wondering why I called." Suddenly, the background noise cut out. Juliet must have found a quiet place.

"I was at that," she said, waiting to hear what would come next. This was Artemis Fowl, possibly he would require her assistance with some impossible scheme he had come up with. At any rate it shouldn't be boring. Juliet was ready for a little more adventure.

"I um-" Artemis paled slightly. It was not going to be easy, to lower himself and ask for help. Especially since his was not a life threatening situation, though it would be eventually. "I need this to remain in confidence, Juliet. Not a word to anyone, even your brother."

"Of course Artemis," Juliet replied, unable to keep the excitement out of her voice. "What's it going to be this time? More adventures with- psychotic American businessmen?" Juliet silently berated herself. She had been about to say fairies. And according to Artemis, all traces of fairies had been wiped from her mind.

What Artemis didn't know (a very small category of facts) was that Juliet Butler had returned to the Manor on a fateful day several years ago, only to find that the alarms had been disabled and that no one was home. She had searched through the entire house and discovered that one of Artemis' Powerbooks was running, its screen displaying two files- One labeled Artemis, the other labeled Butler. She had clicked Butler's file, and had, over the course of the next few hours, relearned everything the People had erased from her memory. It had been enlightening, but she hadn't wanted the young Master to find out. She got the feeling he wouldn't approve.

"Miss Butler? Juliet? Did you hear me?" Artemis' voice brought Juliet racing back to the present.

"Oh, sorry Arty. Could you repeat what you said?" Artemis was frowning again. The words were not forthcoming.

"Could you…tell me how to make a salad?"

And though she knew she shouldn't, Juliet burst out laughing.

Five minutes later, Artemis had processed enough information to make an adequate salad.

"Erm..thank you, Juliet," he said awkwardly. Repressed giggles flowed through the line.

"No problem, Arty."

"Goodbye," Artemis said, and terminated the intercontinental call.

In America, Juliet smiled faintly at her phone. For such a serious boy, Artemis certainly was amusing.

She flicked the silver shut, spinning around on her heels. She was about to make her way back to the bar when a black-clad figure shimmered into view in front of her.

"Don't move human, and I might not have to blow your head off."

**Disclaimer: I own pretty much nothing. Only what you don't recognize. That Mexican dude, for instance.**


	3. Chapter 3

Juliet Butler was definitely a little nervous

**A/N: This story is spinning off in all directions, so I'm just going to go with the flow. This might result in a title or summary change. Just to let you know.**

Juliet Butler was definitely a little nervous. But then again, a gun pointing at you will have that effect. Even if the wielder of the gun is only about four feet tall.

"Relax, fairy. Just put the weapon down…" Juliet's calm words were belied by her actions. Quick as a viper, her hand darted out, flipping the weapon out of the fairy's hand and into her own. Of course, Juliet remembered that she had fairy friends, but all she could see of this particular specimen was a black suit and a helmet. Best not to take chances. Especially potentially fatal chances.

"D'Arvit," the fairy swore, buzzing up it's Gradually, the reflective surface disappeared to reveal nut brown skin and small pursed lips. A thin nose was next, followed by a keen pair of eyes.

Upon seeing them, Juliet nearly dropped the gun. _Those eyes…_

"Captain!" Juliet gasped. And indeed it was, the only fairy captain Juliet knew by name. Captain Holly Short of the Lower Elements Police.

The captain gave her a wry smile before holding out a hand.

"My gun, if you don't mind, Mud Girl." Almost without thinking, Juliet handed the weapon over.

"But…" Juliet wondered, still processing what her eyes were seeing. Juliet remembered the captain's eyes as being hazel, but now one was blue. Fowl blue. "Artemis," she whispered.

"Yes well, love to stay and catch up," Holly said, averting her mismatched eyes, "but I'm dodging a ridiculous of red tape to be here at all. Anyway," she said with a wicked grin. "Your brother's got a birthday party to plan.

Domovoi Butler, bodyguard to Artemis Fowl the Second was going against all his training by doing this. Bodyguard protocol clearly stated that you _never_ left the principal. _Ever_. He had adhered to this unspoken law almost his entire life. And now he was blatantly ignoring it.

He wasn't too far away, of course. But if anything were to happen to Artemis, there wouldn't be a Butler to take a bullet for him. Again.

Butler shifted restlessly, pulling out a pair of field binoculars. From here, he had a clear view of Fowl Manor, illuminated from below by massive floodlights. Suddenly, his vision was blacked out.

"Dom!" a joyful voice sang out. Butler lowered his binoculars in time to be tackled by his younger sister. "Have you seen, Dom! I'm famous!" For a moment, Juliet was a girl searching for her older brother's attention. The moment passed quickly though, and abruptly, she straightened up, pulling the creases out of her clothes.

"And of course, Captain Short brought me," she said, gesturing to a diminutive figure behind her. If Butler found it strange that his sister seemed to have all her fairy memories intact, he made no mention of it.

"Could you both sit down," the aforementioned captain asked. "You're making me feel short."

Butler almost cracked a smile as he lowered himself to his knees.

"Better?" he asked. Holly looked up at him.

"Not really," she grumbled, firing up her wing rig and hovering at about six feet. "But it'll have to do." Juliet joined her brother on the floor, settling into a cross-legged position.

"So Dom, what's up? Captain Short here said something about a birthday party. And as far as I can remember, you've never had one."

"Oh don't worry, this party isn't for me." Butler said gravely. "It's for Master Artemis." Later, he would congratulate himself on keeping a straight face as he said it. It would definitely rank up there, along with his hardest assignments. It was worth it though. The look on Juliet's face was absolutely priceless.

"Ah- what?" Juliet stuttered. Butler rubbed him impressively large palms together in a moment of uncharacteristic levity.

"Let's get started."

Minerva Paradizo was a girl who liked to enjoy life's simple pleasures.

This explained why she was lounging on a custom made deck chair while enjoying imported (and expensive) Belgian chocolates.

She was about to take a sip of her lemonade when a fully armed squadron of police officers appeared. Out of thin air.

The glass of lemonade dropped.

Minerva winced. That was hand blown glass. It had cost, much like the rest of her possessions, a small fortune.

It was then that she noticed how short they all were. Hesitantly, she stood. All the guns were trained on her immediately, but Minerva was processing facts at a mile a minute.

These police weren't just short, they were _tiny_. Wither Beau, her baby brother was playing tricks, or…

Minerva raised her hands above her head.

"Ok fairies," she said in quiet French, "I'm sure we can work out some kind of compromise."

"I bet, Mud Girl," one of the officers said disbelievingly. "Mud People don't _compromise_ real well." As the fairy spoke, something strange was happening to its comrades. They were flickering, and then, as if they had never been there at all, they disappeared.

"Hologram," Minerva breathed. The flickering out continued until only one fairy remained.

"And I thought you were supposed to be a genius," the fairy sighed. "Now come on. Captain Short, elfin taxi service, reporting for duty."

And this was how Minerva Paradizo found herself flying over France. Since heights didn't bother her unduly, she decided now would be a good time to get some of her questions answered. She tapped on her temporary com piece.

"Captain Short? Can you hear me?"

Behind her reflective visor, Holly frowned. She didn't like this part of the plan.

"Captain Short? I have a few questions for you."

Holly sighed. Child geniuses- genii, she corrected, _always_ have questions.

**A/N: This author's note is to serve two purposes. First and foremost, to thank all my lovely reviewers, who I can't take the time to name (as I want to get to the story) but you know who you are.**

**And secondly, to apologize in advance for any weirdness about my stories (random bolding, repeats, ridiculous spacing) It has something to do with how my computer uploads, and I will do my utmost to fix it.**


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